I recently spoke to a group of impressive graduate students about starting their career journey. They gave me a lot of hope for the future of our workplaces. Students shared their desire to get beyond the early stages of recruitment processes and get in front of decision-makers. A couple of them shared their experiences with failure in the job search—I could feel it hit them personally.
For most of their young lives, these budding professionals received clear feedback that they've had the right answers, achieved competency, and brought pleasure to the elder figures around them, thereby earning their approval. There was even a ceremony for the endowment of the elder figures of power's approval, and it was offered via a scribe in the form of 'ye old report card, marked with a staunch and satisfying letter A. In the job hunt - now, for the first time, probably ever, elder figures - decision-makers - happiness holders - rejected their efforts.
I advised these students about tailoring their LinkedIn profiles to express their passions and present their focus on adding value to organizations through storytelling. I talked about building a network and treating it with the care and consistency of one who tends to a delicate garden: Prep the LinkedIn profile—the soil; reach out to potential contacts—seeds; respond to leads—sprouts; connect with leads—water; follow with connections—water...you get the picture.
One of the students asks, "I can do that? I can reach out to these leaders and ask them if they want to meet? Won't that make them mad? What if they say no? What if they meet with me and they don't want to? I don't want to disrespect them. These are busy leaders with lots to do; I wouldn't want to annoy them." My inner voice was like, "Chill fam." But outwardly, I gave a warm smile and said, "Have you ever read the book Everyone Poops?" The look on their faces was priceless. "Excuse me?" one student said with a sly grin. I continued, "It's a book. It's profound and humanizing literary genius, and the premise reminds me that we are all human. We all have the same desires, we all poop. It's a fact."
At that moment, I became keenly aware that I live with immense privilege. I am not prone to offering deference to another based on their title or position in an organization. I don't have to. I won't, and you shouldn't either. It's a ridiculous premise, and I think we have to do better to remove these norms and model accessibility and inclusion to the next generation, nay - all generations if we are going to become the leaders and organizations we strive to be.
The ancient text encourages us to give honor where honor is due - I'm all about that; I think giving people the flowers they have earned is honorable. We should respect the busy schedules and complex work of others. We should be thoughtful about the humanity of those who carry a lot and consider how we might do our best to support them as they do what they do, especially if that means giving them space. And, once we get in the habit of limiting our requests for support, connection, opportunity, or any other reasonable request that could lead to us achieving our goals because they are so high and we are so low, I think we've gone too far.
Deference isn't just keeping promising grad students from contacting decision-makers on LinkedIn; it's holding back mid-career folx who want to request tuition reimbursement so they can take on a new role. It is holding back entrepreneurs from partnering with an accomplished mentor, community activists seeking a new revenue stream, people new to organizations who haven't "paid their dues," asking for defined career tracks, and late-career professionals relegated to role-playing and niche serving.
Drop deference because I think good senior leaders, bosses, and decision-makers are looking for your ideas - not your deference. They are waiting for you to reach out and ask tough questions, not to cower and "stay in your place." Even as you read this post, they are waiting to send them a LinkedIn connection request because good leaders can't wait to share their best with others.
I believe leadership is not a destination to be coveted but a mandate to foster growth and success in the people and systems around us. I left the students with advice that probably came across as more of a warning—take however you want: "Don't let deference hold you back from taking a chance. At the end of the day, deference doesn't make the other more accomplished human any different from you—it's an allusion. Fight through it and keep going."
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