Today’s leaders don’t have time or space for baggage, yet many find themselves navigating the weight of unresolved conflict among staff and between themselves and staff. I’ve met leaders who store up transgressions against their staff - plotting and waiting for the opportune time to present the straw that breaks. Yet it seems that day will never come, and you're left with great tension.
Others find themselves in the wake of what feels like significant failure. Perhaps you were (like I was one day) out moving from training area to training area in the corporate pick-up truck, and you decided to venture through the woods and try out some fresh puddles and came to learn that all puddles aren’t puddles - some puddles are baby lakes. Once your boss knows you’ve sunk a truck, you win the prize of unemployment (he was not happy) - sacked by failure.
Tension and failure are no way to spend a career, I’m sure you can agree. And still, some of us find ourselves in personal and professional places where we hold onto failure and drag an unspeakable tension into our workplace - our team meetings - our commute - day after day. Many potentially great leaders refuse future leadership roles because of the innate tension and opportunity for public failure (though not nearly as unwise as the story I shared). I’ve got an idea.
I don't think my idea is exceedingly profound, and it may seem so simplistic it may strike my readers as ineffective. I ask only one thing - try it. I found this idea to be effective in my parenting, in my marriage, with my clients, my students, my friends, and especially my enemies - whoever they might be. The idea is to take the tension, the failure, the rejection, fill in the blank with whatever undesirable aspect of leadership is present in your situation - that thing and let it go.
Let it go. Don’t be content with someone you’re in a conflict loop with - choose what you want in the relationship, ask yourself if you can achieve your desire, and work after it. If the power to resolve your conflict is limited, let it go. Move on. You’ve failed - you screwed up, it works here too. Let it go; no one is going to remember in 7 days in the way that you will. Forgive yourself, capture your learnings, put your move-on shoes on, and let it go. Your inner peace will thank you.
Think of letting it go as a decision tool that begins with leaning into the awareness of the tension loop and failure film you’re experiencing and deciding whether or not the loop is serving you. Determine what you can control unless you like sleepless nights and sweaty palms. If there’s something to control, do your best to make a plan to take action. A good coach can help here. Once you begin to take action, decide to let go of the tension and feelings of failure and lean into the action steps you’re taking.
I try to give myself 24 hours from when I feel the tension/experience the failure or whatever other icky thing I’m navigating to clarify what I want to do. After 24 hours, I’m either working on a plan, or I’ve moved on from the ick because I’ve taken time to understand where my power lies. If I don’t have control, I stop holding onto the ick and let it go. I hope this helps. I’d love to help you figure out what you might need to let go of so you can lead with more ease and focus. Lead well.
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